Tuesday, July 19, 2011

it's not funny... except when it is

** Most of this is ad libbed from my memory. Some initials have been further disguised to protect the innocent. **

B: (kissing my tummy today, 7/19) I'm just so excited for when you and Dad have another baby. I can't wait. But I'm still kind of sad the first baby stopped growing.
A: Me too, to all of those things. But until I have a baby in there, maybe you could kiss me on the cheek instead, okay?

R: They don't live like we live.
A: What does that mean?
R: Well, mostly it's just messier.
A: What does that mean?
R: I don't know. Because you know what's in our piles of stuff? Our piles are neater?
A: You realize that, when I married you, your home was so messy that you were unaware of the mice living on your kitchen counter? Remember that? YOU'RE NOT THE SAME MAN I MARRIED!
I'm so proud!

A: If we get confirmation that this is miscarriage, I'll want to wait two solid months before we try again to make sure my hormones and cycles are evened out.
R: Okay.
A: That means we'll have to use condoms.
R: I'm pretty sure I just became a Catholic.

A: And then he said, "I'm pretty sure I just became a Catholic."
S: You know what I've always said.
A: Uh, no. What?
S: Using condoms is kind of like eating an ice cream cone with a sock on your tongue. You can do it... but the experience has been, ah, altered.
A: I can't unhear that, DAD!

A: And then I said, "I can't unhear that, DAD!"
K: (laughing in shock and horror) The relationship you have with your parents is incredible. I don't know if I'm going to be able to look your dad in the eye ever again.
A: Especially not if you're eating ice cream.

A: And then I said, "I can't unhear that, DAD!"
J: So, I don't know your father, but I understand YOU a whole lot better now.
A: Totally.

A: I'm calling the doctor tomorrow to ask for a D&C.
R: Ok. Because of how you're feeling?
A: I don't know what's in my head and what's a real side effect, but waiting for a miscarriage and all that goes with it is making me crazy. At this point, I have effectively had a dead body inside my body for over five weeks now. I'm as close to being a zombie as I'm ever gonna get.
R: Are you kidding me?! I have a staph infection eating my very flesh. I'M more of a zombie than you are!
A: (laughing) We're completely inappropriate.

Dr: I've prescribed you drugs instead of surgery.
A: I'm scared of that. A friend experienced pain worse than childbirth when she used the drugs instead of surgery, and that's scary, because (getting frustrated and tearful) I'm a big wienie.
Dr: I know, but it's really the best option for how far along you are.
A: You didn't have to agree to me being a wienie so fast.
Dr: (blinking) Oh, no... I didn't...
R: She gotcha.
A: (laughing) That was awesome. But seriously, I'm scared.

A: A dear aunt encouraged me to name the baby. But I don't like gender neutral names.
L: Like "Pat."
A: (snorting) Right. Because then it becomes a joke and that is actually more disrespectful in my opinion than just calling the baby "Maui," or... you know what? Jesus can name this baby. He has a better name than I could ever come up with.
Pat... that's terrible.

R: For Mother's Day, we should get you a vanity plate that says "MILF."
A: Uh... thank you?

XYZ (a number of people commented on my attitude, honesty, faith, and how I was a blessing after reading this post)
A: As I've said before, anything praise-worthy in me was put there by God. When I display myself, I usually end up needing to apologize. A lot. Just ask Rob.
R: You know that's right.

L: How are you feeling?
A: Good. Really. I'm disappointed and frustrated, but I can see the mercies in this.
L: Oh, good.
A: I'm pretty annoyed that I have to go through the first trimester again. And getting thick in the middle because I could only eat simple carbs and couldn't tolerate exercise? Yeah, that was totally fine so long as there was a baby on the other end. Now I just feel chubby. I lost two pounds, but it was all muscle.
L: So that sucks.
A: Yep.

X: You must be devastated.
A: I am disappointed and frustrated, but I have had one healthy pregnancy, so this isn't quite so devastating as it might be otherwise. Also, the only other time I was pregnant, my husband died, so... I can totally handle this kind of pain. Comparatively, this is easy.
X: That is almost offensive.
A: Yes, but to be fair, you haven't known me very long.


Beth said...

Oh, Addie, I love you! You made me laugh AND cry...

Gailzee said...

...so tragedy does have a funny side. You've mastered the ability to find the humor in all these situations without losing your faith, your values and your sweet, sweet spirit! Are you from this planet?! I'm so glad that you and Rob have each other! You sooooo get one another!