as ready as we'll ever be

December has been fraught with emotion for me. The first three years after big Blake died, I experienced a great deal of anxiety about the anniversaries (wedding and avalanche). I'd worry so much about how those days would affect me that by the time the day dawned, I'd have used up all my fretting. I would wake up, realize it was just another day, and feel almost silly for all the unnecessary fear and worry I'd undergone. It was a consistent reminder that worry is like paying interest on a debt you might not even owe.

This year, no worry for me. Not really. I had something new and interesting to look forward to, I knew that anniversaries were non-starters for my heart, and I was more curious than anything about how everything would shake out for me. Also, I had started taking a hormonal supplement that seemed to be freeing up some of the emotions that I'd hidden behind a carefully built wall. Rather than be anxious in the lead up to the anniversaries, I found myself simply experiencing grief and sadness and missing big Blake at the most random times. And crying about it.

I haven't cried much in a while, so the tears are almost a novelty (which is strange - historically, tears come easily to me). Blake's response has changed dramatically from the last time I really broke down in front of him. He's such a little man that this time he saw my tears as a problem to be fixed. Something he did at dinner just smacked me with reminiscences of Daddy Blake, and I promptly started leaking.

B: "Mom, what's wrong? Why are you crying? Do you miss my dad?"
A: "Yes, sweetheart. I miss your dad, and you remind me so much of him sometimes. I wish he were here to know you."
B: "Well, maybe we can get a new daddy. (brief pause) Maybe Rob can be my daddy."
A: "Wow. Would you like it if Rob was your new daddy?"
B: "YEAH YEAH! Rob can be my new daddy! Mom, can we call Rob right now?"

I dialed and handed the phone to Blake, thinking he'd prattle on like he usually does to Rob while I got my emotions back under control.

R: "Hi sweetheart!" (it's my name on the caller ID, not Blake's)
B: "Rob, will you be my daddy?"

I burst out laughing despite myself. Blake had an agenda, and he wasn't wasting any time, no sir. I could hear Rob hemming and hawing about needing to ask me first and how we were going to see if maybe that would work... and Blake just kept repeating the question: "Rob, will you be my daddy?"

He knew it was a yes or no question, and he hadn't yet gotten an answer that satisfied.

Since being in Spokane, Blake has been telling new folks he meets that Rob is his daddy. I gave both Rob and Blake NERF shotguns for Christmas, and Rob labeled his "Dad." When asked, Blake tells you that Rob's sisters are Auntie Rachel and Auntie Bethany. We're still moving from "Mister Cec" and "Missus Joyce" to Grampa Cec and Grammie Joyce, but everything about being adopted into a new family has been easy. We belong here.*

*Bethany has an iPhone, too, so she's an instant hit. I believe, when asked, the iPhone was listed as the #1 reason why I (Rob) was "ok."