Warning: all profanity has been edited out. You know, for the children (and my Grammie). Feel free to sub in the worst words possible when reading aloud.
A little background: My friend H and her hubby have been trying to grow their family. After a suitable amount of time, they sought medical help, subsequently discovering that H suffers from endometriosis (uterine tissue grows places it shouldn't, pulling a woman's reproductive system's organs into strange positions, blocking Fallopian tubes, and making pregnancy difficult to achieve without intervention). Specifically, she had a large "chocolate cyst" on an ovary. She has shared her struggle with me and M, and we've done our best to either buoy her spirits or mourn with her as she grieves specific hopes and dreams for her family.
We were particularly dismayed by the term "chocolate cyst." Apparently named for its appearance, we agreed that men have to be the numbskulls behind such a terrible appellation, trying to ruin chocolate for women ALREADY hurting. H requested a nickname, and M eventually landed on "Destructive Little Fricker," or "DLF," as the monster was going to require H to undergo surgery. The day before surgery, we got a message from M that read:
So I just realized that the proper name for the DLF is exactly seven syllables long. Seven! Know what that means? It's PERFECT for a haiku. I mean, it's begging. BEG-GING. Aaaaaand...my productivity level for the day just went down the tubes. Emails with you and Addie to commence in 3...2...1...H subsequently gave me permission to publish said haiku. We were very productive in a very specific way. You're welcome or I'm sorry. You pick.
Surgery Day: A Haiku
Free the ovary,
Destructive Little Fricker!
Cut, burn, meet your doom.
Kill and maim no more
Destructive Little Fricker!
Cyst removed, clear tubes.
Baby-making fun,
Destructive Little Fricker,
You will ruin no more.
Get out of my friend,
Destructive Little Fricker!
You are going down.
Now what, DLF?
Dancing 'round you with pitchforks.
Made you our be-yotch.
Go go gadget arms
Excise DLF with care
Leave that ovary
Burn, mother fricker,
You're just medical waste now.
Hannah be set free!
You're Terminated
Destructive Little Fricker
You will not be back. (accompanied by a photo of the Terminator)
Frick you, DFL
No more pain on my left side
I am done with you!
No coffee, Fricker
Preparing for surgery
You've hit my last nerve
Thirsty, no caffeine
Can't have best part of morning
Now I'm mad as hell
No coffee, no food
Still, it's the best day ever
Burn, DLF, burn
There's no knife involved
Going under the robot
Coming up cyborg
No coffee morning
Blowing up Addie's inbox
This is what happens
"I am a pumpkin.
She scraped all my insides out."
Quote from drugged Hannah.
1 comment:
Bwahahahaha!
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