Saturday, October 20, 2007


I'm loading a number of Daddy Blake's CDs onto my computer. I chose the ones I used to choose when he made me dig into his CD case instead of my own on our long drives...originally picked because I vaguely recognized them in the sea of his selection, foreign to me. Some I chose not because I knew them, but because they were beloved by him for nostalgia - Blue Rodeo, anyone?

So, I've got a ton of U2 now, some Barenaked Ladies, and even Shania Twain. Blake was a multi-faceted treasure.

I just loaded Rod Stewart (it should be noted that I tease my parents mercilessly for listening to him), and a palpable memory washed over me: Blake, dancing all silly and singing "If you want my body/and you think I'm sexy/come on baby let me know!" in our tiny family housing kitchen...and now I can't stop crying.

I love these memories - the ones that are so vibrant and ALIVE. At the same time, it completely eviscerates me that they can only be memories. That hurts me in deep and raw places, places that usually exist quietly, like pools hidden away, but when they are stirred up, my GOD, the agony makes it difficult to breathe, quite literally. I hate that the delightful and life-giving memory is still knotted to the sharp hurt - please pray that it would be a slip-knot, and that one days these memories will be set free for me.


naomi said...

Dearest Addie,
While no words of wisdom come spilling out at this time, I am still compelled to write this comment. And although it perhaps is not the safest place to post something as tender as what I am about to say, it some how feels appropriate to share with the rest of your fan base.
Today, at this moment, I am praying that the memories you have of Big Papa never fade...not for your sake...but for the little man who I know is just waking to face today. He'll someday need to hear those silly memories...and put on those headphones..and listen to his daddy's music. Big oversized headphones and all.
So, as you hate that sweetness has to be blended with bitterness, you need to know that you are loved and cared for. And while it probably doesn't feel like it...these words are hopefully a reminder that these perfect memories you have are one tender giant hug from your loving husband...and from your son's number one fan.


naomi said...

well, i was going to say something but i that guy before me says it all. i love you friend-naomi

Addie said...

Thank you guys. I don't want the memories to fade either - but the pain can take a flying leap. That's the part that sucks. Omi, it was great to spend time with you yesterday. Your little buddy has captured my heart.

Kate said...

Addie -
I love you and I'm on my knees before God for you. I just know that I know that someday, and hopefully soon, God will give you those memories again but with a new someone. I'm giving you an air hug right now from my hotel room in Chicago. Miss you.