Tuesday, May 27, 2008

working on my cardio

In the last few days, I've been convicted of the following:
  • I'm overbearing and bossy.
  • I have no discipline when it comes to eating, exercising, or sleeping.
  • I'm so self-involved that I might as well live in my navel.
  • I have a potty mouth...and a three-year-old. Talk about an explosive situation.
  • I talk far more than I listen.
  • I err on the side of judgment, not love.
  • I think I'm always right (well, a lot of times, I am...I can't help that!).
  • I'm getting overly impatient/overwhelmed by my son, leading to yelling in order to get his attention. I have not yet figured out how to quietly get the attention of hurricane force gale whipping through my life.
  • I love being the center of attention to a degree that is not winsome or charming.
  • I can wallow in self-pity until my fingers are all prune-y (or, as my son would say, "crusty").
Such revelations are not comfortable. In fact, I awkwardly squirmed under some praise lavishly given this weekend, because I was all too aware of the above. I'm frustrated by my self-idolatry and how small and petty it is. I'm confused as to which parts are sin and which are just an ebullient personality. When others gently (and rightly) point out little things that I could do differently, I'm embarrassed and ashamed far more than is appropriate (more of the self-involvement: overly focused on myself). So I'm inviting others to (gently now!) point out such things.

These are the Words I am working on for wisdom and discipline:
  • When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. Proverbs 10:19
  • Lord, I know that You are great - greater than all gods. You do whatever pleases You, in the heavens and on the earth, in the seas and all their depths. Although You are sovereign and You do what You please, You are righteous in all Your ways and loving toward all You have made. from Psalms 135:4 and 145:17
  • Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own, you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
  • Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way. Romans 14:13
I'm also praying for rest. My insomnia does not help any of the above. Blake telling me how much he misses his Daddy doesn't help much either. Apparently, his preschool focuses on family a lot (which is great!), family roles, etc. The downside is that he has way more Daddy questions, and neither the questions nor my answers seem to make much sense to him. The upside is that him saying, "I miss Daddy so much" doesn't always bring me to tears...I'm getting to used to it.

What a weird world is mine.


Anonymous said...

not to minimize our sin--but your struggles are not uncommon--I'm right there with you on those. It was pretty yucky to see myself so clearly in your discoveries of yourself. way to put it out there!

naomi said...

thank you for sharing yourself so openly and i am proud of you for being sensitive to the Holy Spirit. love you lots-n

Reese said...

I keep this prayer of confession (from the The Valley of Vision) in my Bible...I have prayed it a hundred times, at least.

"O Spirit of God, help my infirmities; when I am pressed down with a load of sorrow, perplexed and knowing not what to do, slandered and persecuted, made to feel the weight of the cross, help me I pray Thee. If Thou seest in me any wrong thing encouraged, any evil desire cherished, any delight that is not Thy delight, any habit that grieves Thee, any nest of sin in my heart, then grant me the kiss of Thy forgiveness, and teach my feet to walk the way of Thy commandments."

Thought I'd share it with you...it seemed appropriate.