stupid gmail, stupid ambivalence

So, I sent out an email to a large number of people on Saturday announcing Rob's and my engagement. It was short and to the point, but I thought I'd sent it to most of the folks that I'd prefer learn about it from me directly (as opposed to on facebook or my blog)

Turns out Gmail has changed their rules for a contact list, and if I haven't formally added a person to said list, they do not appear in my "main contacts" page. They appear as "suggested contacts." Some of my close friends are merely "suggested contacts." I did not see their email addresses in the list I was perusing and out of sight = out of mind.

I'm SO SORRY if I left you out. It was accidental and an oversight on my part and bears no weight on how deeply I care for you. And now I feel like an ass. Stupid Gmail.
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For those of you who do not know, today would have been big Blake's and my sixth anniversary. I'm a wretched ball of conflicting emotions right now. Sometimes the joy leaks out, sometimes the tears. I'm threading the jagged rocks of processing and dealing with my thoughts and feelings while being sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of others.

Rob handles it pretty well - he holds me when I cry, listens when I talk, and prays over it all when I'm done. The hard part for him is the realization that his presence alone doesn't make everything easy on me, and that proposing on a different day or in a different time of year may not have changed any of what I'm feeling - and would have just annoyed me at how long he might have waited!

Rather than write a tear-jerker of a letter to big B or opening my heart too fully when it's not quite ready to go there, I'll just be almost done.

I got an email today from the MSU Foundation. They (thoughtfully) drafted this letter for me, should I want to mail it out in my Christmas cards. Clearly, they've never received one of my perpetually late Christmas cards:

I wanted to take a bit of time this year to let you know a bit more about the scholarship which was set up in Blake’s memory at the College of Engineering at Montana State. Family, friends, and others (many of whom didn’t know Blake, but were moved by his passions and his story) provided memorial gifts totaling $3,013 thus far. We have also had some fundraising opportunities associated with the movie about Blake’s expedition.

I hope that we can build a scholarship fund that will provide a full tuition benefit for special students who are interested in avalanche studies at MSU -- to do that, we will need to be working toward a $50,000 endowment goal for the next several years. I know that this year times are particularly tough, but I know that many of you will want to be involved in Blake’s memorial anyway. And we have some time to build this. Through the university, these contributions will be tax deductible and those of you involved with corporations may be eligible for a corporation match for your gift to higher education. Memorial gifts can be sent to the MSU Foundation, P.O. Box 173820, Bozeman, MT 59717-3820. Please designate your gift to the Blake Morstad Memorial Scholarship Fund.

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Even though I think it's totally cheesy that they wrote this for me, I have "given" my in-laws the gift of a donation in Blake's name... because it still matters so deeply to me. And today, of all days, I thought you might feel the same.