A: (via text) Is Blake down there? He didn't have permission to invite himself in.
H: (my neighbor, 3 boys of her own) I'm not home right now, but he might have gone to the park with G and T.
A: Which he also didn't have permission to do. GRR.
(to Rob) Well, we're eating without him. Dinner is ready, and his can get cold until he comes home or I go find him.
B: Hi, Mom!
A: (via text to neighbor) Never mind. He was in his room. This is me, winning at life.
L: I want babies until they do something baby-like, such as scream for no reason. Right now, Vesper makes me want a baby.
A: Give it time.
(not five minutes later)
A: Here, that should do it (showing L the poop smear on my shirt and frantically searching for a plastic bag in which to put a tiny pair of very fouled pants).
L: Aaaand I'm good!
E: Wait. What is "laying pipe?"
A: (with a knowing glance) It's a euphemism.
(muffled, through a facepalm) For sex.
M: Please don't draw a picture.
M: Do you always stick your face in food to smell it?
A: Not really. You have to kind of lick it. Just a little bit.
A: Urban Dictionary, but be careful.
S: Haha! "DICK...tionary?!"
R: Wow! You look really good!
A: Could you try to sound slightly less surprised when you say that?
A: I feel like a dirty old bird.
E: You're not old.