Tuesday, December 18, 2007

mixed bag

So, it's been made painfully clear to me that I have never been this alone since Blake died. During the month between his death and little Blake's birth, I had days to myself, but living with my parents and sister, and the other sister just up the road, I was rarely alone and never for very long. This time, almost three years since, I am very, very alone.

Sure, I've filled my days with friends, fun, work, etc., and I've had friends over and gone out...but it's essentially all by myself, never with a little buddy in tow. Bedtime is purely when I want it to be, and, again, I'm all by myself and don't need to keep it quiet outside a sleeping child's door.

It is gut wrenching. This season, I've felt more isolated and yearningly lonely than ever before, and I'm truly tasting it for the first time...deeply bitter stuff. To cope (and to not muck up others' holiday spirits), I cover with anger during the day - anger of the sarcastic, make-them-laugh-so-I-don't-cry kind, then sob like a baby at night. I wake up puffy, tired, and irritable. Merry effing Christmas.

My dear discipler let me see that I simply need to be honest, not sinning in my anger or hurt, but letting those I love and who love me support me in this very difficult time. I need to be loved right now. I need to be prayed for and with, and I need to cry. I need all these things, and I hate being needy. I hate feeling like Debbie Downer, especially to my friends, so have been putting on a show.

Show's over. I'm hurting, and though I ask for wisdom and deliverance, God's timing is not mine. I'm sorry to those whom I've effectively lied to about how I'm doing this Christmas. Please forgive me. Forgive my crass/crude/filthy mouth, and the bitterness that I let seep in. Please help me through this.


Anonymous said...

Dear Addie, I read your blog faithfully and have never commented but today I didn't want you to see that someone had viewed your post and yet not responded to your honesty. I have no wisdom, I always fear sounding trite because who am I to pretend to know how you feel? I do pray that God will hasten to heal this new found wound that has come to the surface during this time. Please keep being who you are... amazing! You will be in my prayers and on my heart. Love, Joanie (Naomi's Mom)

Kate said...

Hi Addie -
I am also a faithful reader of your blog and I have to say, when you don't post for several days in a row I'm totally bummed. I'm like, "ugh, what is she doing, why hasn't she written anything?" Sorry, selfish I know, but I just love to read about what you are up to.

That being said your post today really touched me. I wish there was something I could do to fix all of this. I'm a fixer and I've been wraking my brain trying to think of who we know that would be the perfect man for you and little Blake. And I have to say, I've got nothing, we don't know anyone that is good enough for you. I could definitely find you a cute guy to lock lips with, but no one worthy of a relationship. :)

Anyway, I just want you to know that I love you. You and little Blake are constanly in my prayers. When I come home to the great MT on the 21st, let's hug necks for a while and then drink some wine, my treat. What do you say?? We can laugh, cry, cuss, whatever you want to do. How about it?? Love you girlie and hang in there I know that God has a plan for you!


Anonymous said...

Hi Addie~
I don't know if you remember me/us. I am Sarah Collett's Friend, Wendy. My Husband, Chris, and I met you and Blake at a dinner party at Aaron & Sarah's when they were living in Paisley Court. It was before Blake's accident as you were pregnant with little Blake and you two were talking of your plans to go to Arizona. Chris and I spoke later that evening of how nice it was to meet another couple who were respectful of each other and were in love. You and Blake sparked our recollection of when our first was born and how much it changed our marriage, and we talked of our plans after college. We were envious of how you were both moving past school with graduation and we were just starting. The road seemed so long!

I have kept up with you through Sarah on how you have been doing over the years. I have never contacted you myself because I figured you would not remember me from that brief interaction and I assumed you had enough on your plate that you didn't need a stranger bothering you.

Sarah urged me to read your blog today and to finally contact you. In May this year, my husband, Chris, died in a paragliding accident on the Bridgers. We have two little girls, Maddie will be 4 next month, and Cailin is 20 months. I have never been more alone than now.

I admire that you are able to put your feelings into words and I thank you for that. I get up in the morning and make sure that my make-up is done, that I am wearing a nice outfit and have began to call it my costume. Why is it that we are so afraid to show the world how we feel? Why do I try to hide the fact that I just want to die?

The truth is that no matter how good our friends are, or how many of them there are, they have their own lives, their own families and we lack that one person who is 110% vested in our lives because it is their life, too. No one who is in our corner, backing us up, loving our insanities and idiosyncrasies in spite of our selves.

I hear you, girl. Thank you for finding a way to put it into writing.

Matt said...


Thanks for your honesty.

Joy Joy said...

Your honesty is wonderful (and heart wrenching). I would bet there are a few of us that have been hopefully waiting for this shift to occur. Take advantage of the momentum you have right now--let yourself use this time as a new chance at healing and renewal. Each one of us is looking for any opportunity to help a friend in need, so let us do that!

I love you dearly and can't wait to see you again. Thanks for your hilarious (if not completely sassy) updates, as I am an avid blog reader.


Addie said...

Thank you. Joanie, you are dear to me, and I appreciate you commenting (first time ever on this site!!! - one could say you were an "Addie's blog comment virgin"). Kate, I would love to connect and will get back to your email soonish. Wendy,you are no stranger to me. I wept and prayed for you and your girls when I read the news and heard it from Sarah. Thank you for reminding me that others may be in this too - I will be praying for your family on this first Christmas without Daddy. Joy, I would be more sassy, but, as I think I've mentioned before, both my grammie and my mother read this. I would like to preserve whatever misguided notions they may have about what a sainted angel I am.

Anonymous said...

Hi Addie
I have yet to comment on your blog but also read it faithfully. Thanks for so much honesty and grace and humor. I'm so glad that wendy can read this and know that there are others who understand and are surviving despite the depth of pain. I continue to admire you and pray for you.

Anonymous said...

Dearest Addie,

How my heart breaks for you! Every time I think of you I remember our friend John who was also killed in an avalanche right before Blake. Even tho John wasn't our son, he was a dear friend to our daughter Jessie. Every Xmas part of my heart is torn out when we go to cut a Xmas tree because that was the last thing John did with us before he went for the cross-country skiing expert school & died. I didn't realize how hard it was for me until I read your blog & knew why I was so depressed...! I know that sounds stupid--how could I not know? I think I'm rambling now, so I quit. But I want you to know that we love you & are a kindred spirit. We are praying for you during this difficult time. Much love, Christi