Sunday, July 20, 2008

having a good cry

I got to talk to a friend's mom today and was reminded of what a sweet spirit she possesses. Of course, the conversation made me cry, but because she was saying encouraging things, not bitchy things. I honestly don't think "bitchy" could ever, EVER be used to describe this dear woman.

Me, well...that's another story.

She did not marry until she was twenty-nine, and she was telling me of some of the events that caused this "delay." Her encouragement was to take my joy in the Lord and pray that He would teach me EVERYTHING I needed during this time of waiting. She also told me, very lovingly, about how an older Christmas photo of me and little Blake was still on her fridge, and that she was still praying for us, and that she would pray especially for my Friday nights.

Two nights ago, I sat doing a puzzle, watching a movie, with a sleeping child in the next room. I finished the movie and reflected that my phone had not rung in over ten hours...and remembered that the majority of my friends were also at home on a Friday night with a sleeping child in the next room...but that they got to be so with their husband or wife. I wistfully reflected on that and was hit with a wave of loneliness so powerful that all I could do was shove it aside in my preparations for bed. I hate hate HATE crying myself to sleep. I get all stuffed up and wake up looking my eyes are two pee-holes in a snowbank.

But there it is. I am very very lonely. Blake is lonely for a dad, and he's expressing it in ways that are not just buttons he pushes when trying to drum up sympathy to avoid discipline. He's honestly missing his father.

I'm not sure how to end this post. Please pray for our loneliness, that God would teach us EVERYTHING we need to be better prepared for a man to come into our lives and be the husband and father that we both miss. Please spend time with my son or encourage your husbands to do so. I think he needs to wrestle and play catch, or maybe go on a hike. Please pray that God would give me the wisdom to keep doing the job that gets progressively harder and harder, and that I would do it in a way that glorifies Him, not me. And please try not to feel TOO sorry for us. That just stings.


amy in NM said...


I prayed for you and Blake this morning. God's sanctifying work in us is not easy, or pretty to look at :-/

We are in the process of moving to MD. I read your blog often but never post (sorry) so if my identity changes to Amy in MD dont spend too much time trying to figure out "who on earth is that" ;-)

Anonymous said...

We will pray for you. I'm sorry that I forget to do that at times and I'm sorry that we have not taken Blake out like I said we would. I'll talk to Josh and and see when we can do that...soon!
I don't feel sorry for you,heartbroken by your situation, yes, but I have great HOPE for you!
love ya

Anonymous said...

Oh, Addie, my heart breaks for you as well. I don't think I feel sorry for you, although I suppose that's a fine line, isn't it?

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick." (Prov 13:12) That's the verse that so often comes to mind when I think of friends struggling with waiting for different things, and even for ourselves, as we are now waiting to have another child for much longer than we thought.

And yet the other truth that sometimes smacks me in the face is that all things works together for good for those that love God. Sometimes we would rather just NOT be conformed to the image of His Son if it means these hard ways. What strikes me about much of what you write, Addie, is that God is working in you a good work, that you are striving with Him as He strives with you. He is going to complete that work in you!