I've been praying regularly that God would use my life to bring glory to His name. I've also been reading Psalm 19 regularly, focusing on verse 14: May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, oh Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
God is answering my prayers (I think) by revealing to me how I idolize comfort. He's also answering my prayers by making me incredibly uncomfortable, and I have to say, I don't like it!
I learned after Daddy Blake's death to be more careful what I prayed for, and would qualify my request that God would reveal Himself to me with "but not at the cost of any of my loved ones' lives. PLEASE Lord, spare me that." And while it seems a little silly now, I meant it fervently and sincerely. If getting to know Jesus meant that more of my family would die, well, He and I could be on less intimate terms for the time being, and that was really okay with me. God clearly trusted me with far more pain than I would have ever submitted to, and I wasn't really willing to plumb the depths of that any further.
Just takes time, I guess, for God to trick you into requesting His loving hand. The good news is that He's like a surgeon, only seeking that which is perverted, distorted, sinful, black, and gangrenous in my life. The bad news is that He's still cutting me!
Boy, do I love being comfy. I love knowing that my financial future is stable and secure. I love knowing that my and my family's health is good. I love knowing that my car starts in the morning and is pleasant to drive. I love having friends and family who love and care for me.
Now, I realize that losing much of that is squarely in the "FIRST WORLD PROBLEM" camp. Still, I live in the first world, not the third. Also, I've gotten used to those things over the past few years, and retraining habits is hard, no matter where you are. And those who cheerfully try to sympathize with "I remember eating Ramen and being so poor we couldn't pay attention! Ahh, good times!"
Yeah, well, my guess is that you newlyweds were about twenty, not thirty. And that you didn't have two mortgages, and maybe you had kids, sure, but I bet it wasn't very many (I guess I don't either, but I think one of my kids is 31!). Also, if you or your husband was in medical/law/engineering school, it doesn't count.
So, Rob and I are navigating many of the same things most newlyweds do, but we have some additional hurdles due to life and age and grownup stuff like owning really big pieces of property that we still have to pay someone else for. Praise God that He is faithful even when I am faithless, because I have run crying to Him again.
"Daddy, it's broken! It's all messed up and yucky and too real. People are hurting, and I can't fix it, and we are struggling with parenting and finances, and I just want to snuggle in with You where it is safe."
And He welcomes me with open arms and gently begins preparing for surgery to help me be well. So I pray "God, may my life glorify You, in whatever form that takes. May my marriage be a comfort to Rob and bring glory to You. May You give us all the wisdom we need to parent and protect this dear little funny boy, and may He know and love You from an early age. May my friends and family who live without You come to relationship through Your Son. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight, oh Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer."
I'll let you know how it's going. I bet I start to curse less.