pondering today

I've been a little crazy lately, in a way that's got me feeling like I've been violently shaken, and I cannot get my bearings nor effectively rate life's tasks in order of priority: blowing my nose is as urgent as putting out that grease fire in the corner. Everything's pressing, nothing's motivating.

In this whirl of reluctant consciousness (and overconsciousness - I did not fall asleep until after a tearful 1:00 am last night) where I cannot really put my finger on anything and I speak mostly in analogies, these have floated to the top recently:

• A: "We'll see. I hate change. I'm not good at it and I cry the whole time." R: "You DON'T hate change. I'm going to refute that right now. You just cry the whole time until you get your feet under you. You EMBRACE change better than many people I know."
• Resting at my work and working at my rest. I can spend a discouraging amount of time on fruitlessness.
  
• Being married is bringing out facets of healing in my life that I didn't expect. It is hard, but Rob is wonderful - patient, understanding, and kind - oftentimes more so than those around me. I am trying to remember that the opinions I need to be most occupied with are God's, Rob's, and little Blake's. No one else has to understand (BUT I WANT THEM TO!), no one else has to be on the same page or agree with how Rob and I are walking out these new areas where I need healing and help (BUT I WANT THEM TO!). I alternate between wanting to tell others to take a long walk off a short pier and wanting to say "WAIT! Come back! I love you, I don't mean it, love me back and approve of everything I do."
• I am trying to view God as the loving Father He is, one who gently takes my hand and calls me "honey" instead of "beloved daughter" (because no one I know talks like that). Any time I revel in my son and my love for him (even when he's naughty, but especially when we are enjoying one another because there are times I really get to just DELIGHT in this sweet boy!), I try to stop and remember that this is how God loves me. This emphasis can be difficult, however, when working through Isaiah in Bible study.
• I really really love the people I get to work with, even when I want to take one's computer away just so that one can stop emailing me with new tasks. I have never felt so loved, appreciated, and meaningful at a job before.
• That's all!

Also, because this may be too melancholy for some and make them wonder at where my heart is, perhaps you could pray Psalm 139 over me (that's what I'll be doing later) and trust for me that everything will be okay even when that is sometimes hard to see because my focus is so short-sighted and even when I use run-on sentences despite being a very picky editor.