oh, baby

Some joker has signed me up with Similac, Enfamil, and Target to receive baby-related offers and specials.

HAHAHAHA! You're hilarious.

At first I just casually threw it away, thinking it was a fluke. Enough have come now that I am beginning to wonder if a helpful friend added my name to some mailing list to get my engines running, as if holding babies didn't already do that.

I'm in a weird place though. We're hoping to conceive this year, but I'm nervous about parenting an infant/crawler/toddler again. I was reminded of how un-childproof our house is recently, and of all the work such small ones are, and of what a lovely thing it is to simply say to Blake: "Jammies on and teeth brushed please."

Reese and I chatted about a lot of this on a recent drive we took together. She asked if I'm having worries, and I fired right back that I was worried I'd have twins.

"You should be scared of that, not worried about it." she replied.

But I'm aware of my age, the chance of miscarriage, the chance of twins, the chance of a special needs baby, the chance of a difficult pregnancy, the chance of infertility. I know my astounding lack of patience and wonder at adding another incredibly demanding person to care for (That's right: I said ANOTHER. I have an amazingly easy kid and mild-mannered husband and I still find them awfully demanding about things like having food and clean clothes and my attention. GOSH!). I remember my insane sense of smell and how I feel about sour milk and fountains of yellow poop.

Then I see Blake playing with Jetty and Jetty in fits of baby giggles, and I melt. I see other families with husbands holding brand new babies, and my heart aches and thrills at the same time. I remember the feel of a baby moving inside me, the tenderness of nursing, the heavy, peaceful weight of a baby sleeping in my arms.

I'm really excited, and I'm just scared enough to know that I'm going to go absolutely bonkers when everyone I know starts asking "Pregnant yet?" upon our return from Hawaii. Until then, I'll still panic a little at the baby paraphernalia coming in the mail and reflexively chuck it, even as I've started trying to remember who has MY various baby paraphernalia so I can collect it when it's time.