that's what he said

B: (on a fill-in-the-blank worksheet from school) I am like a lion because I like rough stuff.

*****
B: Mom, please don't put too much Chapstick on me. I'm tired and fragile even though I'm a strong weed.

*****
A: Did someone cut your hair? Why do you have a little bald spot?
B: Uh... I think so.
A: What do you mean? Yes or no? This is an easy question.
B: Uh... yes?
A: Who?
B: I don't know.
A: What do you mean "you don't know?!" Where did someone cut your hair?
B: Uh... at school.
A: WHO CUT YOUR HAIR AT SCHOOL?! Was it a classmate or a teacher?
B: No, it was a visitor.
A: (conspiracy theories are beginning to percolate in my head, and I'm baffled) What kind of visitor?
B: Eli's sister came with his mom, and she was playing with some safety scissors, and she cut my hair.
A: Oh. Blake, please don't let anyone else cut your hair. Just me or Dad, okay?
B: Okay.

Not included are very, very, very many clarifying questions that I had to ask to get to this conclusion. Boys are impossible communicators about things that don't interest them in the least.

*****
B: Mom, can you please help me draw a star? I've drawn one before, but it looked horrible to me.
A: Sure. We can practice this too.
B: Well, I'm just going to draw a circle around it. That's what I usually do sometimes, draw circles around things.

*****
B: Mom, I think I have a big lump of earwax in my ear that is making me cough.

*****
B: Bow chicka WOW WOW chicka WOW WOW!
(N shoots me an astonished look.)
A: It's from Alvin and the Chipmunks. We gave it to him for Christmas, LIKE FOOLS.

*****
B: Mom, I've decided to name my stuffed parrot "Perry."
A: Oh, like Perry the Parrot?
B: No, like Perry the Platypus.