WHO'S GROSS NOW?!

I told my friend I would craft something funny and meaningful from a two-month series of emails. Instead, I crafted this:

L: I'm busy with work and lots and lots of driving. Consequently, I've amped up my workouts to avoid having chair-butt. I see these women with large pear-shaped bums waddle down the hall and think, "No way, no way am I going to let my butt mold to my office chair or driver's seat. I want one that defies gravity."

A: I totally understand about chair-butt and pear shapes! I've sort of given up on my thass (where my thigh blends into my ass), but all the exercise I'm doing has me quite muscular despite the jiggle in my arms and tummy. They just WON'T go away and I just WON'T give up beer or cocoa (my new indulgence) or lattes, so I will either work harder or learn to live with it. Also, V.V. Brown and Debi Nova are weird.

L: I was trying to be helpful in providing you with workout music like V.V. Brown and Debi Nova. How sad that my expert taste cannot be appreciated by your arms and tummy. They’re really missing out. You’re missing out. The only thing that makes me feel better is the fact that you like Adele and Waka Waka. Maybe you could ask to join Adele’s band because I never heard from Beth Moore (we offered to be in her worship band). You guys could do something catchy with your names. I can’t think of anything really clever right now but the way your mind works, I’m sure you’ve already got several ideas.

I rarely drink beer. I don’t know what happened…too much in college? It makes my stomach feel like a bowling ball now. I stick with wine but also indulge in hot chocolate. Hot chocolate with Kahlua, Bailey’s and Butterscotch Schnapps that is. And then…Dan introduced me to “duck farts”. *sigh*

A: My definition of "duck farts" is when you walk and let out a little pop-pop-pop with every step. What is YOUR definition?

L: Dark farts by my husband's definition: Crown Royal, Bailey's & Kahlua all layered prettily in a shot glass.

A: I seriously want to put bits of this email thread into my blog, but without context, it won't be as funny. Just gross. And/or extremely confusing (at this point, we had covered pre-mixed chocolate milk as a cover for cow blood and intestinal bugs that leave you suspicious of your own toots).

L: Good luck finding an articulate and meaningful (not sure that's really the right word there!) way to put this on your blog. I think we'd just end up sounding like a bunch of sickos! I tried to explain it to D (her husband) and he didn't even want to hear me finish. He told me I was gross.

A: I can find articulate meaning in anything, or at least take it so far out of context that people will laugh or scratch their heads.

In related news, my mother will no longer read my "that's what she said" bunko quotes. She says we just sound like a bunch of young women being crass and gross. Whatever. I fart in her general direction. D's too.