Wednesday, July 13, 2011

float like a butterfly

In a desire to shake up the trend from the last three weeks, I'd like to punch life in the balls. I don't even HAVE balls, and life has managed to punch me in them repeatedly. It's getting old. I'm wavering on that thin line between "mad as hell and not gonna take it" and "discouraged and just want to stay in bed." Either way, I end up sinning, either by excessive swearing or excessive self-pity.

My ultrasound today showed that there's a lot of "debris" left in my uterus. As in, that organ should be clean and empty and Rob and I should be able to start our two-month wait, then try again for babies. Unfortunately, two weeks after taking drugs, I'm still doing a little more than spotting. This is not a good thing. This may mean I need a D&C after all. I'm not excited about that.

My cyst is unchanged. This may mean that we must wait 2-3 months and 2-3 normal cycles (since I'm still technically miscarrying, only God knows when I get a "normal cycle" again) to check it again, further delaying our hope to grow our family.

My neighbors just cost me over a thousand bucks, and we still may not be able to close as planned due to the underwriters and the time it takes to underwrite things. If we can't close by July 31, we're out over a thousand bucks WITH NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT.

It was very hard not to curse A LOT in this post. It's very hard not to sink into "mad as hell and not gonna take it." It's very hard not to cry in disappointment and discouragement. I am trying to rest in God's peace. I am trying to trust Him that He won't pull the rug out from under me.

But last time I was pregnant and had everything going my way...

Well. We all know how that ended.

***UPDATE 7/13/11***
After not nearly long enough in bed, I am feeling better this morning. None of the above has changed, but I'm no longer in the depths of despair about it. I will permit for "cautiously optimistic," but that's about as far as I'll go. Changing factors include a friend who is not usually a hugger being a hugger last night, being able to pour my heart out about it to Rob, and a very good book that is challenging me right now (more about it later). Well, and prayers. Not mine so much as others, I'm sure. I am thinking about reading another book (Anne of Green Gables) so as to remember how to be even MORE melodramatic when in the depths of despair!


Gailzee said...

"we are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be!"

C.S. Lewis

I'm pretty sure I got this from you...I just love it and I love you too!

auntie gail

Noel said...

Hang in there, sweetie. And definitely find comfort in your old Anne. She's one of my old friends, too.

Janelle Wilson said...

If ANYONE can kick life squarely in the balls, it's you, Addie! I'd say a running start may be in order.

Noel said...

I agree with Janelle. And also, if you need to, stay in bed all day. I did that on Wednesday. Well, I actually get did up to go to "the store"...because there was no food in my house. I bought dinner. Which was a box of lemonheads and a box of good and plenty.