Tuesday, August 5, 2008

response to crying jag

Okay, so I'm finally sitting down to expand upon my crying jag post. First off, thank you to all the friends and family who called or wrote with encouraging words, for the coffee, the dinner invites, the offers to help out with Blake. You all mean the world to me, and I think I'd be much worse off without the incredible support system God's placed all around me.

What I don't think many folks realize is that I am that lonely pretty much all the time. I've compared it to a paper cut - you usually realize it's there, but it rarely interferes with daily living. Then you inadvertently smack it on something or get salt or lemon juice in it and HOLY CRAP THAT STINGS.

That's my loneliness. It's usually very manageable, though ever-present, and only occasionally flares up into something that unravels me to the point that I alarm people. The difference between me and most folks (women) who have a good cry is that I know EXACTLY why I am crying.

Before Blake died, that wasn't the case. I remember watching Monsters, Inc. with him in the Hoffman house (Hoffman hotties!), and the end just made me melt! I melted to the point that I melted down and was crying hard for no real reason. Blake was horrified, thinking I had done something bad that I didn't want to confess to him. Well, that was kind of true.

"I'm so...(sniff)...sorry...that I'm a big old bag of CRAZY. WAAAA!"

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