Friday, June 19, 2009

that's what she said (we're so wise in our old age)

M: I have NEVER thought of myself as a worrywort, but now that I've got so much more that I'm attached to here on earth, I find myself having to fend off thoughts of plane crashes and bike wrecks and cancer and (now) falling off of balconies that I'd never battled with before. I'm sure when you have kids it gets even worse.

A: I hear you about worry something will happen to J. That fear does get worse the more you have to hold onto in life. I remember my friend (the one who's son is so broken in utero) being angry that, immediately after Blake died, my fear was that something would happen to the baby. She renounced Satan's attack then and there, but now told me she's struggling with the same fears for her husband and their three girls. Once you have life's frailty pounded down upon you, you realize how fortunate we are that mostly, everything is okay. And I feel especially for my good friends and family, because my life is an almost painful reminder that it can be taken away. Lane looks at my life and fears that Bing will stop breathing at night. Not Maddox, but Bing! She also worries over her son, but in a slightly different way.

And all that to say that you can't worry. It's like paying interest on a debt you might not even owe. And it steals the joy from your right-now-moment. But man, it's damn hard. God's done me a mercy by putting a roadblock up in my mind when I start meandering down that path. He squashes those thoughts firmly, which is good, especially now that Blake is in the care of others so often as he gets older. So I will pray that for you: may God put a roadblock up on your worry wandering so that you may more fully trust Him and His designs.

M: This love-n-marriage thing is such a fertile ground for learning opportunities -- about life in general and mostly about ourselves, realizing that constant contact with the one person you love most in the world can bring out the best in you (that you didn't know was there), the worst in you (that you would still like to think isn't there) and the strangest thoughts that you never really imagined could well up from your heart and mind.

On Christ the solid rock I stand!
all other ground is sinking sand.


Lindsey K said...

great perspective....I think things like this can lead us to either admire and love the dangerousness and unpredictability of the God we serve, or to resent it. It is a very hard balance to strike.
on another note, Chad is in Helena praise the Lord. And life is starting to get back together. :)

lanerdoo said...

It is amazing how we can go from self-centered, to loving someone so much that we cannot imaging our life without them. And then, we DO imagine our life without them, (because we are women, and we over think everything)and it creates a terrible fear that we can't trust God with the life that he created.
Or, moreso, that He would give us more than we could possibly handle.

I'm there. Well, I'm there, but praying my way to a more peaceful, trusting, and rational place :)

lanerdoo said...
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Molly said...

okay, so I've been thinking 'bout this post in light of where Lane and Bing are at right now... I'm praying that Lane (and Bing, of course) will cling to their one and only Solid Rock.