Dear neighbors who are loudly and drunkenly enjoying your game of raucous ladderball,
I didn't know it was possible to have a raucous game of ladderball. Thank you for teaching me something new. Another new thing? After reading that Wikipedia article I just linked to, I discovered that ladderball is also called testicle toss. I didn't realize I was going back to school today! Thank you for also teaching me that I have to shut my son's window at night so that the loud drunkenness doesn't interrupt his sleep – haha! Yes, you got me.
The loud drunkenness coming from OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. He can totally sleep through it when it's coming from inside the house. Don't get smart with me when I'm lecturing you.
Your noises of dismay at missed throws sound alarming inappropriate. Like I cannot come ask you to quiet down because I won't realize until it's far too late that you are playing NAKED ladderball, and there are some things you can't unsee. I would rather not take the chance. Are your missed throws really THAT disappointing? The moaning is rather distracting and I almost feel badly for you and/or need to cut my ears off until you then make a good toss and the shrieking goes all shrill and echo-y across all the buildings and my ears bleed. Don't you know small children and cranky thirty-year-olds are trying to sleep?!
I mean, the very least you could do is invite me. I have a big-ass bottle of gin.