We have a new closing date with the indefatigable buyers. I have done a 180-degree about face in my attitude about these dear folks: I love them. They have hung tight through what would otherwise be discouraging deal-breakers, and there have been MANY.
I haven't said much about the condo sale outside of a small circle of friends and family, because - and I know this is idiotic - I don't want to jinx it. I haven't been able to pray about the condo because I have my heart set so ardently on having Matt build our next home, which seems so perfect: ideal plans, great location, incredible builder, and it's all a perfection that we can afford. I want this home so terribly badly that I have stopped asking God for it. Because - again, idiotic - I don't want to let on how much I want this house (not just any house: THIS house). Because deep down, I fear that if God knew how much I love and want this home for our family, He would take it away.
As if that is how He works. As if He's not already keenly aware of the desires of my heart.
So I've been repenting of that attitude and still not praying about it (because it makes me cry in vulnerability and hints of preparatory disappointment). I'm pretty sure I take the cake for bad attitudes, lousy behaviors, and weak faith lately. This post is to combat such nonsense.
The only thing that will prevent us closing on Friday is if documents do not reach FedEx in time. If that's the case, we close Monday. Upon the check hitting our account, we can pick up house plans from the city - plans that have been approved and waiting for us for over two weeks now - and write a five-figure check to start digging a very large hole in the ground. I am so excited! I am so anxious!
And I thought I was so sneaky...
1 comment:
Oh, Addie, I totally relate to this. I find that I can clearly testify to how God is good in suffering, but I have a hard time expecting Him to just be out-and-out good. I expect Him to give me a glimpse of what I desperately want and then snatch it away.
I think some people know certain aspects of God's character/name especially well; I know Him as Redeemer. I experientially get the idea that God takes what was broken and restores it. But somewhere along the line, my certainty about God's goodness in trial got twisted, and I transposed Redeemer into Cruel Puppet Master. Recently I've been thinking that expecting disappointment from God doesn't honor Him, but I find it scary to hope.
So as I struggle and cry through my own adventures, I'll pray for you as well.
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