Sunday, April 29, 2012

pre-partum update

I'm at that same stage of pregnancy where last time, quite abruptly, I was on my own for the rest of it... as much as I could be with family, friends, and church bodies immediately surrounding me and helping me to stand up through it all.

I'm trying to get out of my own head, for I've never given my subconscious too much rein. I'm praying that my expectations for the next six weeks would be reasonable. I'm asking that God would bless me with a therapeutic remainder of pregnancy, labor, and delivery. I'm asking that it not be a revisitation of past emotional trauma. I know it's too much to ask that it not include physical trauma - see how reasonable my expectations are?!

I'm scared and tired of every. little. thing. being hard. I just want a "normal" pregnancy with "normal" pregnancy fears and hopes and dreams, and I'm annoyed for everyone's sake that this family doesn't get that. Rob's navigating a wife who is doing her best to express what's going on in her heart even when it's hard and she'd much rather just wrestle quietly with God alone, to spare him. I'm navigating a husband who is keenly attuned to my spirit and has already warned co-workers that he might be distracted for my sake in the next weeks.

I'm starting every paragraph in this post with "I'm." I'm so self-involved!

I'm enjoying the movement of our little one, and it's fun to press back on them and murmur love to them, hugging my round belly affectionately. I'm in fear of sneezing unprepared, because then I have to change my pants. I'm chewing ice like there's no tomorrow, and though I'm a bit concerned for the potential for cavities, I can't stop. Rob wants to write a thesis on "pregnancy addiction" based solely on how I treat our ice trays. Blake likes hugging and kissing my stomach, and his response to feeling the baby move is just magical. When I told him the baby would recognize his and Rob's voices, as well as mine, he was dumbfounded. I think we'll need to find a gift for him to give the baby upon arrival, maybe a special blanket, which he can absolutely relate to, having two he sleeps with every night.

I'm not ready with a nursery because it just seems like too much work. The crib needs to be assembled and wiped down with hot, soapy water after seeing plenty of use in the last seven years. The hand-me-down changing table needs the same soapy treatment, but beyond that, I have no inspiration or plans. Baby will be in our room for the first good while anyway, and without knowing the flavor, I have no opinion on colors or decor just yet. I kind of want to paint, so we'll see how that goes, postpartum.

I'm off to make the boys puffy pancake for dinner, because that sounds yummy to all of us. If you're so inclined, I covet your prayers for these next weeks and months, for the same things I mentioned above. This post isn't about garnering pity/sympathy/admiration/concern/praise. It's just updating you on where I find myself right now. I haven't managed to post photos or funny stories because all of the above has me pressed down too much to carve out time here. I still have photos and funny stories, and maybe sharing my burden, my "heavy head," if you will, will enable me to shake some of those loose for you.

Because they are good. So so good. I regularly marvel at the goodness and blessing in my life. Usually while eating ice cream. So so good.

No comments: