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I keep meaning to write something here, because goodness knows I'm talking about it ALL THE TIME, but I don't feel like writing something here, because I'm talking about it ALL THE TIME.

In short, our hearts are well following last week's miscarriage. I had suspected the pregnancy's viability for a few weeks, so getting confirmation was hard and disappointing, but not devastating or even shocking. Tuesday was very difficult, as was Wednesday morning, but then... something changed. I don't know if I was simply tired of crying (that doesn't mean I'm DONE crying, just tired of it), if I was ready to move forward with conviction and knowledge, or if God was doing a work in my heart. Probably all three, and more I'm not even aware of. We met with the doctor Wednesday, he wrote us a few prescriptions, and we went home.

So, here's the thing with miscarriage: they are all different. Still upsettingly common, but my experience seems unusual to other women who have shared with me their own losses. I've now had two miscarriages, have had to take drugs both times to force my body to finish what it started, and I have very little pain. Some cramping, yes, but compared to the women who went to the emergency room for the agony that felt like a hot knife in the gut? No. Not me.

Dr. B: Have you ever taken oxycodone?
A: Um... yes? Is that Vicodin?
Dr. B: No, that is HYDROcodone.
A: OH! No. I've never done oxy.

(long pause)

A: That sounded terrible. I have never taken oxycodone.

Turns out I do not NEED to take oxycodone, a fact I learned about twenty minutes too late, as I sat on the couch feeling the worst kind of drunk, with my head in my hands and a bowl next to me. I had to text Rob (who was upstairs at the moment) to come get Vesper after her nap, because not only could I not go pick her up and feel safe to do so, I couldn't even rise to a standing position. The rest of Wednesday was unpleasant, but not as uncomfortable (I took half doses of the oxy after that, and probably could have stuck with ibuprofen). Rob took two days off to help out and treat me gently, and the kids were not even a little bit aware or respectful about what was going on.

We had friends over for dinner all three nights this past weekend, and I wouldn't have done it any other way. It was good for my soul to serve others, and this past week and a half has been a testimony of God's strength in my weakness, because I NEVER have that much company, EVER. On purpose! I'm too lazy! Rob's been working the late shift for the past two nights and eating at the office, so Blake and I have the easiest kinds of dinners that require almost no cooking because we can! But cooking for a bunch of guests? Yes. Sign me up. Taking meals to others in need? Yep, I can do that, too.

I've still been surprised by tears, and I deliberately asked for prayer from our entire church family. I knew that if my fears of miscarriage were confirmed, I would need to talk about it, openly. Not often. Not lots of gory details. But enough so that folks knew what to pray for, why I might need gentleness, and to give others courage to speak up about this otherwise very private suffering. Rob and I had hesitated to go public with our pregnancy, and we did keep it from the internet. But I told damn near everyone face to face, because I was SO EXCITED! I wanted the news from us to be pregnancy and joy FIRST, and if we had other news later, so be it. We weren't going to lead with grief or keep the grief tucked away. I don't operate like that, and if others do, God bless them.

And if God can bless others because I'm an open book about joy AND suffering, then I will let them read. The pain of my past doesn't give me a "get out of suffering free" card, even if I wanted it to (ok, I kind of want it to). The pain of my present isn't all there is. We are hopeful and expectant, anticipating good news and positive pregnancy tests (I LOVE THOSE THINGS and I take more than one because they are FUN!). Our baby Maui and baby October will always be in our hearts, and one day, I'll hold them in my arms.

Until then, I have some pretty amazing people to wrap my arms around today.